So today was quite an interesting day.

to give you the background information, our friend copped a massive speeding fine and in the spirit of helping out a fellow friend, 2 of our girl mates suggested that we throw a “jelly wrestling tournament”, charge people $5 to watch/free punch. 

now given the nature of this event, and how it has strong misogynistic undertones, i decided that the smartest thing to do, was create a facebook event page, that was strictly invite only/private. that way i could contact all of the potential contestants and see how much interest i could gather. i added most of my friends, who i believed would participate in this event, purely to have the funny college memory and experience. 

and on some level, i admired the people who were able to willingly want to involve themselves in this event, with the full knowledge that it was quite controversial. their ability to be fully comfortable with themselves and their sexuality and their lack of concern with what other people thought or labelled them as. their ability to stare into the barrels of society’s gun, and renounce the ‘slut/whore/trash’ label. that they could see this event as a bit of fun.

one of the leading figures in the discussion and construction of this event, a boy, who volunteered his services as ref later sent me this facebook message:

“Hey, have had a further thought about the event after a discussion with friends, and would like to be withdrawn from the blurb. Its a fun idea to discuss and plan but couldnt do it, just couldnt, way too much could go way wrong and end really badly. photos (inevitable alack) could affect careers down the road. Tom, Dick, Harry et al are quite disgusted by the idea, as a warning. I think we all accepted the post-feminism joke, but most people wont just do that, they will just take offence. it was a fun thing to discuss and hypothetically plan but it just wont be a chance to happen, Mary et al wont host, too much which could easily go wrong, especially if it gets ruckus.

Thanks”

firstly, i would like to state that this is my hypothetical response. that because of the relationship i share with this individual and the community, i would probably never actually send this to him.

Dear Mr. X,

I do appreciate your concern about the nature of this event. And all though I acknowledge that intrinsically this event has chauvinist intents, it has been solely created and organised by women. every single person that we approach, and discussed the event with, was keen for the light humoured nature of the project. i am quite shocked that you would use a strong word such as “disgusted” to describe the instigation of this event. furthermore, all of these women are empowered enough to not need saving by you and your other male friends. we understand the full consequence of our actions and you boys don’t have to play the “hero” role and remind us, women, that this is a “misogynistic” affair. i take pity on your inability to recognise that women can be empowered through their bodies and sexuality, and that if we behave in a certain manner or participate in certain events, it doesn’t automatically brand us as being whores. this was not intended to be the newest episode of “girls gone wild” is was purely some amusing entertainment. moreover, i would like to add, that it was not restricted to women, but, also men were expected to participate. 

i do understand your point of view, nonetheless, i think you should fully analyse the situation before you pass judgment and claim the moral high ground.”

so let me know what you think…

am i wrong to be endorsing something that so clearly undercuts and degrades women?

or am i liberated by this flippant attempt to renounce societal gender expectations and allow women to express themselves?

and i’m free to be the best version of myself possible.

wishing everyone (no matter how belated) all the best for 2012.

may it be fucking amazing.

it’s like none of it ever happened. like i just woke up from a long, lucid dream and now the mundane normality of reality is numbing.

i learnt a lot about myself yesterday. granted, most of it i can’t remember, nor would i want to, but there were definitely a couple things that stuck.

firstly, i was compared to someone i know, in a really strange way. as it goes, in my core relationship, i am more self destructive. i don’t want to observe these crazy moments in life, i want to be in them, i want to be sucked into the alternate reality where all my many masks and persona mix and mingle, slip and crack, and my neurosis boils over.

but why am i more self-destructive? why, like this person, do i destroy myself so that i make poor decisions that i will regret the following morning? what is the point of all this self-destruction?

the second thing that i realized is the reason why i have an unexplainable connection with some people, and not with others. my closest relationships, our personalities, are seemingly dichotomies. 

but maybe, it’s the fact that she likes to observe people, to watch them interact with all of life’s challenges, see them struggle and fail, completely annihilate themselves, and this, as the voyeur watches, gives them insight to who they are and who they want to be. they vicariously garner a sense of their individuality.

and because i am the antithesis of this, because i need to destroy myself, break down all the pieces so that i could build them all back up the way that i want them to be. and i don’t no if that makes me an easy target, my irrationality, my impulsiveness, my desire to relinquish control and be free.

i think, i experienced freedom for the first time. when your body, head and heart are no longer throbbing with conflicting thoughts, when you feel as though you have escaped the confines of existence and you are able to just float.

the third thing i realized, is that maybe the reason that i was fascinated by him, the reason why i could see past his charming angsty act, was because i saw myself in him. it’s so strange that you could know a person so little, and yet, because you are so similar, so impulsive, destructive, brilliant douchebags, you know them so well.

two nights ago, i, while intoxicated, told someone that i liked them. and although i sit here today, with less than a shred of emotion or feeling towards them, my rash actions will echo with consequences for some time.

i can’t help it anymore. i get these thoughts into my head, these ideas, and i feel like i have to complete them straight away. i’m dangerously close to getting addicted to it all. if anything, i already am.

the escape, the freedom, the ability to do anything without worrying how it will effect me or anyone around me.

that’s why the morning is so confronting. when you’ve spent all day, all night, in a different world and a long stretch of time in an altered state of consciousness. the bright lights that force you to look at your life can be blinding.

all of the voices are laughing.